Introvert

She looked for closed-in places
She wanted small and empty spaces
To shut out interference of voices, noises, lies
To isolate reality
Or to isolate herself? She didn't know
Which she sought, or if it even mattered
She didn't like relief, colloquialisms, baby food
They confused her and put her in pain
They hurt her and made her afraid
She needed definition, acuteness
She thought maybe she could find it
If only she could get really alone
So she went around and around, smaller and smaller
Folding in further to greater and greater emptiness
Maybe people would call her an introvert
But she was past caring what they called things now.

How Brave Thou Art

The brave may not live forever, but the cautious never live at all.
That's what they told me.
I think I would like to live for a little while,
But I"m not brave when You're not here.
I would like to throw open my heart and love for as long as I could,
Never mind that it wouldn't be too long,
Never mind when it hurt me,
Never mind when it killed me,
But I'm too afraid when You're not with me.

So instead I lie on my side with one eye pressed into the dirt
And sleep sleep sleep like the regretful dead,
And when I get up it's to grab the nearest stick
And start smashing everything around me.

I am a killer.
I am a destroyer.
What I see, I hate.
What I touch, I break.
I broke my life, so stay away.
Run, run, run, dear child.
I'll break yours too if you let me near enough.

I don't really look for sticks when I get up; I use anything handy:
Catch up the nearest object and start swinging with my eyes shut,
Only hearing the splintering and shattering around my ears.

Some nights when I'm lying like this with my cheek to the ground
Quiet like a weaned child, so quietly screaming my brains out,
Knowing I can't live and knowing I won't die,
I like to imagine that You'll show up,
One unexpected night,
Break me,
Remake me,
Take me far away from all I've ever been.

It's a lot to imagine,
But I think You're braver than I am now.
I remember one night You were alone,
Hanging on a hill with Your wrists bleeding open
So I wouldn't have to be.
You were brave enough to be alone then.
So I like to think You're brave enough to face me now.

Way Out

Were there a way of dying more beautiful
Than the way I've written my history with living
I swear I would have died that way a long time ago
And taken you with me, my love
Which I attempted in the nightmare I once dreamed

Sometimes there's no beautiful way for the taking
Though He has made everything beautiful in its time
In case its time ever becomes mine
And I find the beautiful way to go
I swear I'll let you know so you can come too
No matter how far out we are by then
No matter how many vacant oceans have spread between our brains
And the elusive beautiful we call by faith reality

We have always walked by faith here, never by sight
So music has always been a sacrament
That has always taken bloodshed and breaking
To express our faith in what we've never seen
But were born knowing was true
Eternity tattooed into our hearts
There under all the uniforms we have to wear
There behind all the masks we try to fool ourselves with in the mirror

In case I discover what these things are for called hands and feet
And why my heart has useless wings inside
In case I open a door some day and step into free
Be here, be near me, don't be far
Because I don't want to hang around here too long, waiting, strangulating

I can't imagine what it would feel like to breathe
In case we ever get some oxygen in here
I don't want to be the only one left to smell it
In case beautiful ever falls down on us like snow
Or reality smashes into this shadowland like fireworks
I want you to see it too

not here

if you think you see me, think again.
if you see me here, look somewhere else.
you'll see me there, too.
only something heavy could hold me in one place at a time.
i don't know of anything so huge.
i wouldn't like it anyway.

the problem of subcreation following the fall

i should be speaking silver
(i should be breathing gold)
but every time i reach into my mouth
the fist i bring out clenches only
:vomit

they make a mockery of subcreation
(and my digestive tract)
by feeding me and feeding me
but blocking off my arteries, intestines
:vomit

so every time i reach down my throat
(into the soul inside)
there's nothing better to come up with
than what i'm throwing up now
:vomit

the stars sing together
(it is written)
my blood hears music ringing in my brains
but when i open my own mouth
i just keep throwing up and throwing up

they teach me how to lock the door
(for when i have to hide)
they teach me how to inhale, exhale slowly
regulate the retching but i know it's still just
:vomit

heal me, cleanse me
only You can be
treasure in this broken vessel
for Christ's sake amen
:shine