bewilderment

i am perplexed by the slick images of disaster -

earthquake - tsunami - nuclear meltdown -

i am estranged from the mountain of freight containers,

hundreds piled up like colorful building blocks and

i cannot sympathize with the elderly couple

stumbling over the sticks of their house,

wading through the ruins of their street,

sterilized by captions, font size 12

times new roman, just what the editor ordered

the news flash from japan

remote, catastrophic, transmitted

is troublesome to my soul 

i do not understand the colorful overhead menu

the rows of soda pop dispensers -

coke - diet coke - fanta - dr pepper - sprite - raspberry ice tea -

i am unfamiliar with the sweating cardboard cup,

carton of floppy french fries and

i cannot identify with the half-eaten cheeseburger,

partially chewed layers of processed animal products,

sticky bread, limp vegetable, rancid slime of condiments,

discarded on greasy paper gradually uncrumpling

the three-dollar meal deal

cheese or no cheese, plus or minus thirty cents

is troublesome to my soul

Date Night

Death came for me yesterday
Maybe on Tuesday, maybe the day before
I said, "Excuse me, but I am very busy
I have some prior engagements
From which I cannot possibly extricate myself."

All the people I ever read about
Tried to put off Death rudely
Waving sharp objects and screaming apologies
No one ever tried speaking politely to Death
I spoke politely, with believable reluctance
And he went away.

But he'll come for me again
Maybe next Tuesday, maybe the day after
"Excuse me, but I am very busy
I have some prior engagements
From which I cannot possibly extricate myself."

That's what I'll say, politely
And he'll incline his head, courteously, ever a gentleman
With the deference of those whose friends
Are suddenly swept up into the social world
They come calling at the door, hoping for old times
And are turned away

But he'll be back
Maybe in a year, maybe the next day
Whenever his desire overcomes his tact
I'll know what to say; I've said it before
Perfected the preoccupied tones
"Excuse me - "

"No more excuses," he'll cut me off
His voice rather different from what I expect
A little girl's voice, or maybe just a snake's
"Yours have run out. Anyway
Were you ever engaged
Which I highly doubt (Check your calendar)
No engagement could possibly be as pressing
As our little affair (Life never is)
We have a date tonight
I'll have you NOW."

In my last defense will I grasp for sharp objects
And find myself brandishing the old umbrella?
Will I scream and scream and scream and scream
(Scream in the countryside: the helplessness of being
unheard and innocent
Scream in the city: the betrayal of being
heard and ignored)?
Anyway, Death will have come for me
And innocent or merely insignificant
helpless or betrayed
I'll have to go. 

Way Out

Were there a way of dying more beautiful
Than the way I've written my history with living
I swear I would have died that way a long time ago
And taken you with me, my love
Which I attempted in the nightmare I once dreamed

Sometimes there's no beautiful way for the taking
Though He has made everything beautiful in its time
In case its time ever becomes mine
And I find the beautiful way to go
I swear I'll let you know so you can come too
No matter how far out we are by then
No matter how many vacant oceans have spread between our brains
And the elusive beautiful we call by faith reality

We have always walked by faith here, never by sight
So music has always been a sacrament
That has always taken bloodshed and breaking
To express our faith in what we've never seen
But were born knowing was true
Eternity tattooed into our hearts
There under all the uniforms we have to wear
There behind all the masks we try to fool ourselves with in the mirror

In case I discover what these things are for called hands and feet
And why my heart has useless wings inside
In case I open a door some day and step into free
Be here, be near me, don't be far
Because I don't want to hang around here too long, waiting, strangulating

I can't imagine what it would feel like to breathe
In case we ever get some oxygen in here
I don't want to be the only one left to smell it
In case beautiful ever falls down on us like snow
Or reality smashes into this shadowland like fireworks
I want you to see it too

not here

if you think you see me, think again.
if you see me here, look somewhere else.
you'll see me there, too.
only something heavy could hold me in one place at a time.
i don't know of anything so huge.
i wouldn't like it anyway.

waiting

now i work faster
write more neatly
finish things with a flourish
pay closer attention
see people better
see a lot of things better
but care a lot less
hardly at all
all i'm thinking about anymore is You

i waited for You
maybe last night
maybe the night before
maybe this morning
(the importance of remembering when is
zero because every time i think
i'm waiting for You)

wind love

the wind carries snow like a mother

she lays it down to sleep softly in streets

its innocence slumbering over cities

covering tracks, trash, filth, histories: like love

it melts, it soils, she covers it again.

 

the problem of subcreation following the fall

i should be speaking silver
(i should be breathing gold)
but every time i reach into my mouth
the fist i bring out clenches only
:vomit

they make a mockery of subcreation
(and my digestive tract)
by feeding me and feeding me
but blocking off my arteries, intestines
:vomit

so every time i reach down my throat
(into the soul inside)
there's nothing better to come up with
than what i'm throwing up now
:vomit

the stars sing together
(it is written)
my blood hears music ringing in my brains
but when i open my own mouth
i just keep throwing up and throwing up

they teach me how to lock the door
(for when i have to hide)
they teach me how to inhale, exhale slowly
regulate the retching but i know it's still just
:vomit

heal me, cleanse me
only You can be
treasure in this broken vessel
for Christ's sake amen
:shine