12.9.11

Why Literature?

Acquaintance: I can understand learning about tangible things like biology and film, but what do you learn in a literature class? As far as I can tell, all you do is read about made-up stuff that never happened in real life and then talk about your feelings about it.




 Your question is much like one I've gotten several times this semester now - strangely enough, from English majors as often as not: "All we talk about in this class is [insert: death, sex, God, love!] Our [insert: curriculum, professor] is a little obsessive, don't you think?" Honestly I think now. What else do you think worth talking about? What else is there? What makes Biology a worthwhile major, or Film? Isn't it the ideas behind them - the very ideas we think about in Lit classes? Without a purpose, Biology is just a lot of random chemical reactions between molecules in motion, with some innate rhythm but no inherent reason. Without a subject, Film is just a manipulation of light waves, with some aesthetic merit but no particular meaning. In fact, it doesn't really have any aesthetic meaning either, unless by aesthetic meaning you mean that it sparks chemical responses in a particular portion of our brains.

If you don't mind getting philosophical, the things you're calling "real" or "tangible" are mere "particulars" and the ideas we get from reading and thinking about literature are the "universals" that give the particulars meaning. As Schaeffer explains in "How Should We Then Live," when we attempt to function solely on the basis of particulars, we quickly discover there isn't much point. When we divorce particulars from universals, the particulars lose their meaning. If you don't mind my referring to "made-up stuff that never happened in real life," you're making the same mistake Ivan Ilych makes in Tolstoy's short novel "The Death of Ivan Ilych." He lives on the particulars of life - parties, promotions, salaries, sicknesses - refusing to think seriously about either life or death. Yet which is more real: conscience or fashion? Which is more real: love or lampshades? In willfully forgetting the serious questions of life and death, Ivan Ilych forfeits the ability to cope with either when they come crashing into his self-made world. That's one mistake I don't want to make; and one thing I can do to avoid it is study literature.

 We who study literature are acting on instincts of self-preservation. We panic before the onslaught described in DeLillo's "White Noise," the onslaught of sounds, seductions, images, impressions, and we flee to literature for a little escape. however, we are interested not only in emotional self-preservation but in moral and intellectual self-preservation as well. The disconnected bits of information bombarding us represent countless contradictory, temporary fads. We want a little oxygen, a little a little foothold: something to breathe, somewhere to stand. We don't usually demand to know all the answers right away; but we would like to get a feel for what the real questions are. Literature, which deals with universal issues rather than the hot topics of popular culture, helps us refocus. When we read, we aren't necessarily looking for final satisfaction, but we are looking for a little permanence, a little substance. And in literature, we often find that.

We who study literature are something like Gatsby in Fitzgerald's novel "The Great Gatsby." We aren't content with the tangibles of life: the money the mansions - or even with the less tangible particulars: the popularity, the power. Whether muddling through Lit classes or loitering in public libraries or hiding out under our beds, we read literature to keep alive in ourselves the desire we share with Gatsby: the desire for something more. We read to sustain our great hope that though what we want eludes us in an empty confusion of flashing lights and hollow laughter, one day we will run faster, stretch out our arms farther . . . and one fine morning discover that our hope was not in vain. "If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world," C. S. Lewis suggested. Reading literature keeps us from contenting ourselves with dissatisfaction of what we find in this world. Literature feeds us ideas that keep our homeless desires and inordinate hopes alive.

We who study literature are somewhat more aware of the greatness of everything, so we are acutely more aware of our inability to express it all. Naturally, we seek out others' words to say the things we can't. As Langston Hughes observed in his boyhood, in books, "if people suffered, they suffered in beautiful language, not in monosyllables as we did in Kansas." With our without literature, we experience the suffering and the joy of life, but without literature, our suffering and joy lack form and dignity. Many of us have experienced the lostness and dread of Alfred J. Prufrock; but only one of us has written "The Love Song." And it relieves the rest of us. Reading literature, we come to understand our own experiences better and get inspiration to express them with our own voices.

Those are a few of the reasons I study literature. There's a place for studying Biology and Film, too; I'm by no means immune to those fascinations. But they aren't enough by themselves. If you understand the internal workings of a planarian or a camera, you'll only ever be able to manipulate a planarian or a camera. But if you understand the ideas we deal with in our Lit classes, and understand how people in other ages have put those ideas to work, you'll be able to manipulate your whole world.



Introvert

She looked for closed-in places
She wanted small and empty spaces
To shut out interference of voices, noises, lies
To isolate reality
Or to isolate herself? She didn't know
Which she sought, or if it even mattered
She didn't like relief, colloquialisms, baby food
They confused her and put her in pain
They hurt her and made her afraid
She needed definition, acuteness
She thought maybe she could find it
If only she could get really alone
So she went around and around, smaller and smaller
Folding in further to greater and greater emptiness
Maybe people would call her an introvert
But she was past caring what they called things now.

a question

were i fresh and healthful
fair and beautiful -
would you love me then?
or just use me a little longer
before throwing me away?

13.6.11

Incident: 26 June 2010

It was almost 5:00 when she walked in. The doctor was in the back; __ had gone home. __ was waiting for me in the car. Nurse and Receptionist and I were going so clock out when the bell rang and a woman appeared in the doorway.

I did not particularly notice her at first, but there seemed to be a long interval between the moment she appeared in the doorway and the moment she stood at the counter. I didn't hear what she asked, but I heard Receptionist say, "No, this is not a free clinic."

"Well, what is it, then?"

"It's a doctor's office." Receptionist was using what I had always imagined as her welfare patient voice: very even and civil.

"Well, can I see the doctor?" She was hard to understand; she mumbled. She was young, with straight brown hair and strangely swollen eyes.

"Well, do you have any insurance?" Receptionist asked.

She didn't. She was leaning her elbows on the counter, her chin on the heel of her hand. "Can't you give me a pregnancy test?"

"This is not a free clinic," Receptionist said. Or maybe she said, "This is not a GYN."

"Oh, really," the woman mumbled sarcastically. Except it didn't seem to come out as sarcastic as she had meant it. Her eyes were closed. There was a silence. Receptionist asked helpfully, "What did you want to be seen for?"

The woman seemed to gather herself and leaned forward on the counter. Her eyes were open now. She still mumbled, but she seemed to be making a great effort toward coherency. "Look," she said, "I had an abortion a year ago. They messed it up or something. I haven't gotten my period since then. Except I bleed when . . . just once I bled . . . I went to the doctor and they did tests on me . . . "

It was hard to understand her. Or maybe it was just hard to hear her. I felt that I kept missing things. And as she talked, she kept falling asleep.

"It sounds like you would need to go to a GYN," Receptionist told her.

"But it's my back, too," the woman said. Now I began to feel sick. She was not whining; her voice was too hoarse and toneless. She did not seem to be trying to manipulate anyone; she was simply like a child who has not yet learned the proper way to ask for help. "I'm really sick; I sleep all the time and my back hurts; I could hardly walk across here . . . "

"If you're in that much pain, you should go to the ER," Receptionist said.

"I did - five times. They did some tests and it scared me really bad because when the nurse gave me back my results she had this funny look on her face . . . That's what they told my mom, before, when she got sick, so it scared me . . . "

Please, I thought, just don't cry. Maybe her voice had broken, or maybe she had just nodded off again. Or . . . There is fear.

Receptionist asked if they hadn't given her any pain relief medicine at the ER.

She said no. "Can't you give me some pain pills?"

Receptionist said the doctor only prescribed pain pills to established patients. She moved over to let me sign out.

"Can't I see the doctor?"

"It would cost forty or fifty dollars just for him to see you."

I clocked out and left. I held the door for the woman. She was only a girl, really. When she turned from the counter, I was startled by how thin she was. She wore a white tank top and a long denim skirt with a slit up the front, and sandals. She moved very slowly, and not in a straight line. I did not watch her as she staggered across the waiting room. She passed me on her way out, close. She was not drunk, I thought, only sick.

I remembered the girl on the steps of the metro station in St. Petersburg. Leka and I had been little then, and we had been too shy to talk with her because we thought she was a boy. But she was a girl, and she was dying of AIDS . . .

Maybe she would be dead next week.

Outside she took a long drag from a cigarette that had been lying on the concrete windowsill. I hesitated, then smiled at her and crossed the sidewalk to the car. Through the front window I wanted her. She watched Nurse exit the building, then Receptionist. When Receptionist got into her car, the girl staggered off down the sidewalk.

What do we fear, that we passed her by? What was I afraid of, that I smiled at her and walked quickly on in a mist of tears, leaving her standing on the sidewalk, staring dully after me?

What if she had AIDS? What if she were pregnant? What if she had slumped over on the sidewalk and fallen asleep for the last time? What if she were not died then and there but later, half-consciousness dragging on and on to cost us time and money and effort? What if someone else would have helped her instead?

Am I afraid of contracting a contagious disease? Am I afraid of smelling a foul smell? Am I afraid of looking foolish? Perhaps more than any of these (perhaps involving them all, perhaps unrelated to any of them) I am afraid of my life changing dramatically and irrevocably, of life as I know it being suddenly over. The best thing that could happen to me, and I left her standing on the sidewalk.

We pray for Christ to reach out to the people we see, but we are His body. He is not magic, He is Christ, and we are His hands and feet.

I could compose a piece of music for her. I could write a happy ending for this story. But how can I ask You to help her when You would have used me? On Judgment Day maybe I will see her swollen eyes . . . or maybe she was an angel . . . or maybe she was You.


Social Assets

Walking our deaf-blind neighbor through the intersection to her favorite restaurant, guiding a handicapped child down the hall to her classroom, watching an old man beam and wave at the people leaving his beach, I see that the handicapped, the homeless, are good for our society.

I know now why Chesterton made a little fun of the American lady in Paris who "suffered from delusions; for she labored under the extraordinary notion that she had seen ignorant people giving a child Alcohol, and she was ridden with a sort of nightmare, to the effect that a beggar is a horrible thing."

You can shut them up as nightmares or you can keep them as mirrors. If the beggar is tragic, it is because of the Fall, but he is not especially tragic, and he is not terrible. We call him terrible as an excuse to put him away, but we only put him away so we don't have to face ourselves; for in this world we are all a little handicapped, we are all a little homeless. We herd them into asylums, into programs, out of our neighborhoods, just so we can delude ourselves about who we are.

When you are driving a big car to a party, dressed up, with your friends in the back seat dressed up too, and your favorite music playing loud, so that you have created your own world, it is good to have to stop at a traffic light and look at the blind man holding a cardboard sign ("Anything Helps God Bless"). It is good to have to face the immigrant woman approaching your window to sell you flowers.

It reminds you what the real world is like - maybe as opposed to the one you live in. It reminds you that in the real world, you are not God. It reminds you what it means to be human.


7.4.11

Translation: Sergey Chudakov: Untitled

When they shout,
"Man overboard!"
The ocean ship, huge as a house
Suddenly stops,
And the man
is fished out with ropes.
But when
the soul of a man is overboard,
When he is suffocating
from horror
and despair,
Then even his own house
Doesn't stop
but sails on.

Translation: Anna Ahmatova: All Is Taken

All is taken, both strength and love.
In the disgraced city, the discarded body
Is unglad of the sun. I feel my blood
Within me already altogether chilled.

I do not recognize the merry Muses;
They stare and utter not a word,
Only bow their darkly wreathed heads
Exhausted upon my breast.

And only conscience, daily more terribly
Rages, demanding vast tribute.
I used to hide my face and answer her . . .
But I have now no more tears, no more excuses.

How Brave Thou Art

The brave may not live forever, but the cautious never live at all.
That's what they told me.
I think I would like to live for a little while,
But I"m not brave when You're not here.
I would like to throw open my heart and love for as long as I could,
Never mind that it wouldn't be too long,
Never mind when it hurt me,
Never mind when it killed me,
But I'm too afraid when You're not with me.

So instead I lie on my side with one eye pressed into the dirt
And sleep sleep sleep like the regretful dead,
And when I get up it's to grab the nearest stick
And start smashing everything around me.

I am a killer.
I am a destroyer.
What I see, I hate.
What I touch, I break.
I broke my life, so stay away.
Run, run, run, dear child.
I'll break yours too if you let me near enough.

I don't really look for sticks when I get up; I use anything handy:
Catch up the nearest object and start swinging with my eyes shut,
Only hearing the splintering and shattering around my ears.

Some nights when I'm lying like this with my cheek to the ground
Quiet like a weaned child, so quietly screaming my brains out,
Knowing I can't live and knowing I won't die,
I like to imagine that You'll show up,
One unexpected night,
Break me,
Remake me,
Take me far away from all I've ever been.

It's a lot to imagine,
But I think You're braver than I am now.
I remember one night You were alone,
Hanging on a hill with Your wrists bleeding open
So I wouldn't have to be.
You were brave enough to be alone then.
So I like to think You're brave enough to face me now.

The Sushi Song


Sushi
What a colorful food
I could eat it all day
When I eat sushi
I smell the cherries on blossoming trees
When I eat sushi
I hear the old songs of musical reeds
When I eat sushi
I hear the call of mountainous lands
When I eat sushi
I feel the hot steam of black crystal sands
When I eat sushi
I feel the surf of deep turquoise seas
When I eat sushi
I see golden skies setting over my dreams
When I eat sushi
I can smell the snowy peaks
Where the cherries whisper pink
To the shadows of the wings
Of the swans that come to sing
Over the rainbow on the shore
That I've seen somewhere before
Think it's turning into four
Could I have a little more
Sushi
Cause when I eat sushi
What a colorful food
I can almost taste Japan

postscript:
i've never tried sushi.
i've never even wanted to go to japan . . .

2.4.11

Elegy (Not)

You categorize your supper
I pass you rolls, orange marmalade
You tell us the related jokes
I pass you canned fruit, gravy
(You remark we act as if you were old and feeble)

I never saw what a big man you are
I never saw how sweet your smile, how gray your hair
I never wondered with such sadness how many times more I have
When you leave, part of me will always be lonely
(And how can I come to this house without you here?)

I don't want to go play outside
I don't want to watch a movie
Let me sit and watch the lines of your face
Let me listen to your dry comments, your chuckle
(They come a little more slowly than before)

I was never so afraid to see anyone sleeping
I was never so glad to hear anyone coughing phlegm from lungs
I was never so relieved to see anyone hobble into the study
Take the old rocker and listen to the day's stock prices
(Wrapped in a bathrobe, blue and red plaid)

Dylan Thomas said it best but
I do not want to speak his elegy for you

Sorry

Kitchen table, hot chili
Goes down willingly enough
But in the stomach
Churns, something revolts
Remembering red-rimmed eyes
Kind kitchen, warm chili
Untasted by sick old men
In a minute maybe
Revulsion will overcome
Habit and hunger both
And I'll vomit it all back up
Hearing in my retching
Old men coughing to breathe

You coughed small like a baby
Nodding forward in the opposite seat
Face wrinkling painfully
I think you meant it as a smile back
The bus rumbling on
The people taking and leaving
Looking at me for my smile
I think they didn't look at you

What could I have said to you
On bus #26, crowded by tired eyes?
Are you feeling all right?
Not a nurse.
Do you want some water?
Don't have any.
I watched you go your way
Relieved it was not mine
And sorry too

Black bench, bus stop
Suddenly you were approaching
Face wrinkling painfully as you came
- So, we meet again (you said shyly)
I know, I know, a second chance for me
- Lovely day, no rain (I said friendly)
Glad relief flooding us both
What does it profit?
You offered me your last cigarette
I wished for once I smoked so
I could have taken your charity
Felt your happiness again

You lit up and sat smoking
Glancing uneasily aside
First I tried not to breathe
Then I breathed deeply
Inhaling the scent of your sickness
Between short drags you sat
Upright, very still
One hand to your chest
Breathing shallow
Forehead frightened and concentrated

What could I have said to you
Waiting for bus #36, just you and me?
Are you feeling all right?
Not a nurse.
Do you want some water?
Don't have any.
(I should have walked over to the fast food stop
Brought you back a cup of cold water in His Name)
Can I give you my four dollars?
Owe them to Fig.
How long you been smoking?
Insinuating.
Do you know God?
Awkward.
#37 goes right past CC La Habra. You go to church much?
Random.
Where you headed?
Oh . . .
What if he returns the question?
What if he stalks me?
What if he doesn't?
(Which is worse)
And I am forced to forfeit one more fear
Robbed of one more excuse not to talk to strangers
Obliged to face my own status as a stranger here
What then?

We watched cars come and go
We watched a cop writing a ticket
You flicked your cigarette unhappily into the street
We waited for traffic to run it over
It didn't
The second you stood to leave
Maybe the second before
My heart screamed sorry
Begged you silently to
Stay, please stay
Please go away; let me forget about you
Don't leave me alone; let me talk to you
(But who gives third chances here?)

Did you leave behind on purpose
The empty carton, lighter?
- You might want it later (I said eagerly)
Your face wrinkling again, this time laughing
But fooling neither of us
As you turned away, I seemed to see
As always, an angel face . . .
I watched your gray coat recede
Down the sidewalk, across the street, to the next bench
Carrying a trash bag full of folded jeans
Past fast food stops, out of memory, under the bridge
Where you go my mind wanders with you

Of the four bus stops at this intersection, why mine?
Aren't they all the same to someone going nowhere?
Of the thirty people on this bus, why me?
What have I done to deserve this grace?
Did you know the little girl in black
Would not be able to get you out of her mind?

Does it help to say I'm sorry?
If so, then I'm sorry you're old and sick
And yet poor and homeless
Does it help to say I'm sorry?
If so, then I'm sorry I smiled at you
And yet didn't speak
Does it help to say I'm sorry?
If so, then I'm sorry I went above the call of duty
And yet fell short of the call of God
Is that better?

Don't wash your hair tonight
Don't wash your hair tomorrow morning
Let the cigarette smoke linger there
Remember, remember
Don't change your clothes when you get home
Don't change your clothes for tonight
Let the cigarette smoke stale in your sweatshirt
Remember, remember

















21.3.11

bewilderment

i am perplexed by the slick images of disaster -
earthquake - tsunami - nuclear meltdown -
i am estranged from the mountain of freight containers,
hundreds piled up like colorful building blocks and
i cannot sympathize with the elderly couple
stumbling over the sticks of their house,
wading through the ruins of their street,
sterilized by captions, font size 12
times new roman, just what the editor ordered
the news flash from japan
remote, catastrophic, transmitted
is troublesome to my soul 
i do not understand the colorful overhead menu
the rows of soda pop dispensers -
coke - diet coke - fanta - dr pepper - sprite - raspberry ice tea -
i am unfamiliar with the sweating cardboard cup,
carton of floppy french fries and
i cannot identify with the half-eaten cheeseburger,
partially chewed layers of processed animal products,
sticky bread, limp vegetable, rancid slime of condiments,
discarded on greasy paper gradually uncrumpling
the three-dollar meal deal
cheese or no cheese, plus or minus thirty cents
is troublesome to my soul

Date Night

Death came for me yesterday
Maybe on Tuesday, maybe the day before
I said, "Excuse me, but I am very busy
I have some prior engagements
From which I cannot possibly extricate myself."

All the people I ever read about
Tried to put off Death rudely
Waving sharp objects and screaming apologies
No one ever tried speaking politely to Death
I spoke politely, with believable reluctance
And he went away.

But he'll come for me again
Maybe next Tuesday, maybe the day after
"Excuse me, but I am very busy
I have some prior engagements
From which I cannot possibly extricate myself."

That's what I'll say, politely
And he'll incline his head, courteously, ever a gentleman
With the deference of those whose friends
Are suddenly swept up into the social world
They come calling at the door, hoping for old times
And are turned away

But he'll be back
Maybe in a year, maybe the next day
Whenever his desire overcomes his tact
I'll know what to say; I've said it before
Perfected the preoccupied tones
"Excuse me - "

"No more excuses," he'll cut me off
His voice rather different from what I expect
A little girl's voice, or maybe just a snake's
"Yours have run out. Anyway
Were you ever engaged
Which I highly doubt (Check your calendar)
No engagement could possibly be as pressing
As our little affair (Life never is)
We have a date tonight
I'll have you NOW."

In my last defense will I grasp for sharp objects
And find myself brandishing the old umbrella?
Will I scream and scream and scream and scream
(Scream in the countryside: the helplessness of being
unheard and innocent
Scream in the city: the betrayal of being
heard and ignored)?
Anyway, Death will have come for me
And innocent or merely insignificant
helpless or betrayed
I'll have to go. 

Way Out

Were there a way of dying more beautiful
Than the way I've written my history with living
I swear I would have died that way a long time ago
And taken you with me, my love
Which I attempted in the nightmare I once dreamed

Sometimes there's no beautiful way for the taking
Though He has made everything beautiful in its time
In case its time ever becomes mine
And I find the beautiful way to go
I swear I'll let you know so you can come too
No matter how far out we are by then
No matter how many vacant oceans have spread between our brains
And the elusive beautiful we call by faith reality

We have always walked by faith here, never by sight
So music has always been a sacrament
That has always taken bloodshed and breaking
To express our faith in what we've never seen
But were born knowing was true
Eternity tattooed into our hearts
There under all the uniforms we have to wear
There behind all the masks we try to fool ourselves with in the mirror

In case I discover what these things are for called hands and feet
And why my heart has useless wings inside
In case I open a door some day and step into free
Be here, be near me, don't be far
Because I don't want to hang around here too long, waiting, strangulating

I can't imagine what it would feel like to breathe
In case we ever get some oxygen in here
I don't want to be the only one left to smell it
In case beautiful ever falls down on us like snow
Or reality smashes into this shadowland like fireworks
I want you to see it too

not here

if you think you see me, think again.
if you see me here, look somewhere else.
you'll see me there, too.
only something heavy could hold me in one place at a time.
i don't know of anything so huge.
i wouldn't like it anyway.

waiting

now i work faster
write more neatly
finish things with a flourish
pay closer attention
see people better
see a lot of things better
but care a lot less
hardly at all
all i'm thinking about anymore is You

i waited for You
maybe last night
maybe the night before
maybe this morning
(the importance of remembering when is
zero because every time i think
i'm waiting for You)

wind love

the wind carries snow like a mother
she lays it down to sleep softly in streets
its innocence slumbering over cities
covering tracks, trash, filth, histories: like love
it melts, it soils, she covers it again.
 

the problem of subcreation following the fall

i should be speaking silver
(i should be breathing gold)
but every time i reach into my mouth
the fist i bring out clenches only
:vomit

they make a mockery of subcreation
(and my digestive tract)
by feeding me and feeding me
but blocking off my arteries, intestines
:vomit

so every time i reach down my throat
(into the soul inside)
there's nothing better to come up with
than what i'm throwing up now
:vomit

the stars sing together
(it is written)
my blood hears music ringing in my brains
but when i open my own mouth
i just keep throwing up and throwing up

they teach me how to lock the door
(for when i have to hide)
they teach me how to inhale, exhale slowly
regulate the retching but i know it's still just
:vomit

heal me, cleanse me
only You can be
treasure in this broken vessel
for Christ's sake amen
:shine