Sorry

Kitchen table, hot chili
Goes down willingly enough
But in the stomach
Churns, something revolts
Remembering red-rimmed eyes
Kind kitchen, warm chili
Untasted by sick old men
In a minute maybe
Revulsion will overcome
Habit and hunger both
And I'll vomit it all back up
Hearing in my retching
Old men coughing to breathe

You coughed small like a baby
Nodding forward in the opposite seat
Face wrinkling painfully
I think you meant it as a smile back
The bus rumbling on
The people taking and leaving
Looking at me for my smile
I think they didn't look at you

What could I have said to you
On bus #26, crowded by tired eyes?
Are you feeling all right?
Not a nurse.
Do you want some water?
Don't have any.
I watched you go your way
Relieved it was not mine
And sorry too

Black bench, bus stop
Suddenly you were approaching
Face wrinkling painfully as you came
- So, we meet again (you said shyly)
I know, I know, a second chance for me
- Lovely day, no rain (I said friendly)
Glad relief flooding us both
What does it profit?
You offered me your last cigarette
I wished for once I smoked so
I could have taken your charity
Felt your happiness again

You lit up and sat smoking
Glancing uneasily aside
First I tried not to breathe
Then I breathed deeply
Inhaling the scent of your sickness
Between short drags you sat
Upright, very still
One hand to your chest
Breathing shallow
Forehead frightened and concentrated

What could I have said to you
Waiting for bus #36, just you and me?
Are you feeling all right?
Not a nurse.
Do you want some water?
Don't have any.
(I should have walked over to the fast food stop
Brought you back a cup of cold water in His Name)
Can I give you my four dollars?
Owe them to Fig.
How long you been smoking?
Insinuating.
Do you know God?
Awkward.
#37 goes right past CC La Habra. You go to church much?
Random.
Where you headed?
Oh . . .
What if he returns the question?
What if he stalks me?
What if he doesn't?
(Which is worse)
And I am forced to forfeit one more fear
Robbed of one more excuse not to talk to strangers
Obliged to face my own status as a stranger here
What then?

We watched cars come and go
We watched a cop writing a ticket
You flicked your cigarette unhappily into the street
We waited for traffic to run it over
It didn't
The second you stood to leave
Maybe the second before
My heart screamed sorry
Begged you silently to
Stay, please stay
Please go away; let me forget about you
Don't leave me alone; let me talk to you
(But who gives third chances here?)

Did you leave behind on purpose
The empty carton, lighter?
- You might want it later (I said eagerly)
Your face wrinkling again, this time laughing
But fooling neither of us
As you turned away, I seemed to see
As always, an angel face . . .
I watched your gray coat recede
Down the sidewalk, across the street, to the next bench
Carrying a trash bag full of folded jeans
Past fast food stops, out of memory, under the bridge
Where you go my mind wanders with you

Of the four bus stops at this intersection, why mine?
Aren't they all the same to someone going nowhere?
Of the thirty people on this bus, why me?
What have I done to deserve this grace?
Did you know the little girl in black
Would not be able to get you out of her mind?

Does it help to say I'm sorry?
If so, then I'm sorry you're old and sick
And yet poor and homeless
Does it help to say I'm sorry?
If so, then I'm sorry I smiled at you
And yet didn't speak
Does it help to say I'm sorry?
If so, then I'm sorry I went above the call of duty
And yet fell short of the call of God
Is that better?

Don't wash your hair tonight
Don't wash your hair tomorrow morning
Let the cigarette smoke linger there
Remember, remember
Don't change your clothes when you get home
Don't change your clothes for tonight
Let the cigarette smoke stale in your sweatshirt
Remember, remember